Where and How

Where and how does one start?
So much, so much…
the ins and outs of daily life
spill over, day by day
and keep coming
Sons in pain
but at that age
where to acknowledge
is to admit weakness
so wrong choices are made
you cannot hide
your heart will out you.
The pain and grief
they show themselves
in choices made
that go against
all you have been taught.
But love, Love, wins
will woo you back
with strength and softness
soothe your heart
with gentle caress
that reaches the depths of your soul.

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Life Happens

It’s been awhile, and so much happens in a day I don’t know that I’ll ever catch up here, but I can begin again. I don’t remember if I had purchased my new computer the last post or two or no, I’ve been learning Windows 8.1, and actually rather liking it. I guess I’m weird, from all I heard about it before.

It’s odd to me how I find myself, still, running from writing. I’m not a very good runner, not in real life at all, and not much better in matters of the heart. Time spent musing over this has resulted in some observations of why. I can’t do fake anymore. I can’t pretend all is perfect, or even approaching it, when it’s not. Life is messy, has been messy, and if experience is any teacher, will continue to be so. And I don’t know yet exactly how to balance putting my mess out there, in the hopes of giving someone else hope, with my ingrained, inescapable belief that some things are holy, even the messy things, and are not to be held, or shared, lightly. Considering much of it also includes my children, now young men all, wrestling with and running from their own messes, makes it even more difficult.

But I cannot escape the urge to write. And I no longer have an excuse not to, as I have a computer again. So….look out

Rending

Sometimes, there is just too much pain.

Birds leave nests, but not this way. It’s not supposed to be *this* way.

The advice gets old.

No, I am NOT going to just accept that they are going to be like their narcissistic, psychopathic sire and “let them go”. Not when he’s spent their entire lives systematically attempting to destroy them…and doing too damned good of a job, even from a distance. Now, when he’s followed, hunted, and plays with their minds and twists and turns things into ways that should be obvious, and are, to those outside who care enough to look closely…but they can’t see, because like me they grew up with that and it is to them normal.

Regret is a needle in my neck, Skillet sings. That’s a good way to put it.

I thought five states away would get the point across. I didn’t know, didn’t realize, how the mental sickness works.

We aren’t people, we’re possessions that got up and ran away and now must be punished. I swear he lives to see them destroyed.

Those in authority who could do something though, can’t or won’t see. I understand they are too overworked, understaffed, underfunded, unappreciated. I understand that day in and day out they deal with liars and accusations and people trying to hurt each other through the legal system.

That still doesn’t, to me, justify the fact that a psychopath can bamboozle them and go home and continue to abuse, because in public he’s the gentlest, calmest man who could never hurt a fly.

Marie Noe murdered eight children and got away with it for nearly 50 years for the same reason. She could never hurt a fly.

The system is broke. I gave up a loooong time ago on the system. They are too busy chasing down kids playing in a park to save the one locked in it’s room without food. This world is evil and broken.

Statistics say they don’t stand a chance.

Damn the statistics.

There may not be justice here for all of the corruption. There IS a Justice though that can not be fooled, and will not be mocked.

Lord, it is to You that I appeal. You know. You care. And You alone can heal these wounds. Yes, You use others…sometimes people, sometimes art or music or nature or all of the above. You see us, the deep places inside. You pursued me. For 36 years You waited, patient, saving as we went along and at the right time…

Father, Son, Spirit…at the right time, catch them. Heal, redeem, save. For they are Yours, even more than they are mine.

Two+ Weeks In….

So my last little post was the first Haiku I’ve ever written. There will be more poetry to come, I can feel it, but it is fluttery and light at this time, landing only long enough to drop a word or a thought, then taking flight again before I can catch it.

In the past 3 weeks, 2 families dear to my heart have buried sons. One, a 23 yr old, who lost his battle with cancer. The other, a 24 yr old, killed on his way to his job as a high school band director, in an auto accident.

I am not sure for which set of my friends it was, is, hardest. The family that watched their much-loved son battle for 5 years with an enemy (brain cancer) that should have taken him much sooner, per his doctors…who was so ready to live, to have a family and work and love and follow his Lord. Or the son who was doing all of that already, with a wife, a small daughter, another child on the way, and a bright and promising future laid in front of him that he was already walking in to.

“No parent should have to bury their child” said Theoden, King of Rohan in LotR, and he was right. Unfortunately, too many do.

Grief…I think I will be writing on that subject. I have had to hug my own sons a bit tighter, for which they complain a bit more, but they are at that age *wink*. Hug your kids. You need it as much as they do.

 

“Why?!”, we cry
Yet there is little solace
Young men, gone too soon